How to Make Hard Choices by Ruth Cheng

Another talk on TED, which came with an epiphany in the end. I love such stories, or such talks for that matter. This one is about making hard choices. I have always been interested in this subject: making choices or decisions, because I repeatedly find myself in that situation. So this fifteen minutes talk spoke directly to my heart. It made me think about my own hard choices in a way I have never done before.

Ruth Chang says that there is something we have misunderstood about hard choices. These are not a source of agony, a reason for sorrowful days or sleepless nights. Instead, these are chances for us to personally grow as human beings. “Understanding hard choices helps us uncover a hidden power that each one of us possesses.” I had to think about this. Really? Is that so? I have had so many sleepless nights in my life because of the hard choices I had to make. All for nothing? But then I reconsider my thoughts, and yes I agree with her. Each time I made a hard choice and started living with the consequences, I felt better. So much better. This was not only because of the feeling of relief I got, but also because of having managed a difficult situation without breaking, and because of being in control of my own life.

Ruth Chang says that hard choices are hard because none of the alternatives is way better than the other. Therefore, even small choices can be hard. Whether to have chocolate ice cream or creme brulee can be a very hard choice indeed, if I like them both and if I am craving for sweets in that moment.  So what do we do? We take the safest option.

We decide to become engineers than artists, because statistically the probability of getting a job as an engineer is higher than that of an artist. So, we take the safest option, because we fear that we are too stupid to understand the better option if the choice to make is hard. We prefer not to take any risks and we go for the option that is rationally comforting.

This is the very mistake we make. Remember, in hard choices no option is better than the other. We simply do not know…How can we know that engineering makes us happier in our future lives? Unfortunately, there are no fast forward and rewind buttons for life. So, does it really make sense to conclude that engineering is the better option?

What goes wrong here is that we are confusing rationality with values, and think that everything what is essentially important in life has be decided and acted upon based on rationality. In other words, when deciding about important things, we think that we should be able to quantify and measure them to eliminate all kinds of uncertainty and mistakes.

But how can we? Isn’t future by default uncertain?

Values are about feelings and about attitudes towards life, so they are truly subjective. Our love for our family, or our passion for a job are fully subjective. These are not quantifiable, therefore not measurable. Or can we say, I love my mother 3 kilograms, I want to become an engineer 5 cubic meters…? So, if we cannot quantify, how can we know one is better than the other? We cannot. And the mistake we make is that we think we can…

“Understanding hard choices helps us uncover a hidden power that each one of us possesses.” Yes.

When we have hard choices to make, we cannot use our reasoning and rationalism because that doesn’t help. What we do instead, is that we create reasons for ourselves to make the choices we make. Precisely this makes us to the people we are. Our ability and power to create reasons to do the things we want to do, to pursue the careers we want to pursue, to marry the people we want to marry, to live in the countries we want to live…

Imagine a life where we have no hard choices to make, because everything is justified by reason, there are no uncertainties, there is never nothing to question…What a boring life would that be? How could we be the people we are without the choices we make?

Through the hard choices we make, “we become the authors of our own lives”.

Ruth Chang: How to Make Hard Choices

Lollipop Moments

We have all changed someone’s life — usually without even realizing it

Yet another great TED talk; this time it is about leadership. Most enthusiastically and entertainingly delivered by Drew Dudley.

He tells us his story about changing a girl’s life entirely without even having recognized it. Just through a simple lollipop. Much later he understands that  he has been this girl’s hero ever since.
Drew’s story is that he hands out some lollipops to the prospective students at the university campus on the day of enrollment. However, this one girl is scared to death, and she thinks she is not good enough to study. She is just about to turn back and run away. At that moment Drew pops up with his lollipops, jokes around and makes her feel at home. He even manages (without any intentions) that she meets her future husband on that occasion. And then Drew goes home and forgets about everything. Until 4 years later on one day the girl finds him and tells him all about it. It is a nice little story to listen to.
What touched me, though was not Drew’s story by itself, but the questions he asked: How many of us have made a huge change in  someone’s life and don’t even know about it? How many of us do think that leadership is all about money, power and influence?  Isn’t it about making a little change that makes the difference? How many of us think leadership is something so big and huge that it is beyond our reach?  Doesn’t it start right now, right here with a small moment when you reach out to a person? Doesn’t it start with that moment when you tell a person he or she made the difference?
We have to leave behind our fears about what leadership is.
We have to get over it. Each one of us have made an impact in someone’s life. We made a difference. We just haven’t realized it, because nobody told it to us. Once we have acknowledged this, Drew says, we will have the power to make the world a better place: a place of lollipop moments.So why not reach out to that person, today,  and tell him or her that he has been the one who made the difference in your lives?

On Being Wrong by Kathryn Schulz

You plan for one thing, something else happens instead…
I watched this talk of Kathryn Schulz more than once. It moves me as much each time. She says we are all so obsessed by being right and getting things right because doing so makes us feel good, valuable and safe. Yet, being wrong is a most natural state of being human. Moreover, we keep thinking we are right, even if we have been wrong all along. We don’t realize we are wrong, because we are so busy with being right.
Being wrong is ok, being wrong is good, being wrong is human. Being wrong is how the life is. It just happens that you are wrong. You plan for one thing, and something else happens instead.
Things just don’t turn out that way.  She tells the audience to think back on their high-school times. You were all going to marry your high-school sweetheart, buy a house at your home place and raise your children together. Something else happened instead.
How was it with you? I was wrong.
Something else happened instead.

‘A Better You’ on TED

I recently discovered a series of talks on TED (Ideas Worth Spreading) named ‘A Better You.’ The talks are about you and your life, it is about the things that may or should matter to you. They make you reflect upon yourself.

They are of varying length, from 3 minutes to half an hour, so that you can perfectly watch one while you are waiting for the bus, or on the train, or just before you go to sleep.

So, how does this ‘Better You’ look like.

In one talk called “Success is a continuous journey” Richard St. John tells, very briefly, what success did to his life. Success made his life an unhappy one. 
He heartily explains that all the things that mattered to him about his work, like passion, focus, creativity, dedication…brought him the success, success being money. And precisely that made him fail, because he no longer could dedicate himself to the things that mattered to him: to his passion, to his real work, to his creativity. Because the money needed to be managed. He couldn’t care for his people, because he had no time to do that. 
So he decided to compensate what he lost through material acquisitions; fast cars, expensive holidays…He bought everything, but one: happiness.
He started to fail, because he was unhappy…The more he failed, the less money he had. And guess what? The more freedom! 
His freedom and his state of having hit the bottom transformed him back to the person he was in the beginning: passionate, creative, dedicated,  hard working, and happy…
It is a heartfelt story of about only 4 minutes. Watch it while you are waiting for your hard-boiled egg to cook.

on TED: Richard St. John “Success is a continuous journey”