I have stumbled upon a podcast recently where the speaker shared about what she has been afraid of telling to others. This was her way of confession; or rather self-confession. She inspired me so much that I started thinking about what I have been avoiding to tell to others; mostly to myself. Now I am taking my turn of self-confession.

I have been afraid to tell you that I used to be an angry person once. I used attribute it to my Mediterranean temperament and my passionate identity. I understand now that this isn’t true. I had my collection of self-induced disappointments, grief, strong need for external validation and approval as well as lack of self-permission to enjoy my life. All of this came out as anger and I hurt the ones I loved the most.

I have been afraid to tell you that I used to prioritize my work and my career over everything. I missed my best friend’s and my cousin’s weddings, family birthdays, childbirths, celebrations with friends; I missed many things that actually mattered in my life. I used to think that being professional is about always showing up at work, always being responsible for everything and anything, always delivering more than expected. Regardless of what it costs. In my life. Regardless of how it made others feel, my most loved ones.

I have been afraid to tell you that as an adolescent in Istanbul I suffered from my looks. I had put on a lot of weight between my sixteenth and eighteenth years of age due to excessive studying and performance stress. I was preparing for the university entrance exams which were quite heavy and I kept eating to manage my anxiety. When I ultimately became a university student which was the first serious step towards adulthood and freedom, I was a very round looking young woman. In a society which valued wealth and beauty over anything, I felt unseen, inadequate and unworthy. I suffered so intensely that even today I am conscious of my looks and my weight.

I have been afraid to tell you that it was really difficult for me to let go of ballet as a child. I had not even properly understood it. One day I was dancing and the other day I was not. My mom had discovered my love and passion for dancing and I was admitted to the conservatory. How much I had loved my white tutu ballerina costume, my leggings and my ballerina shoes. I was so proud of them. My grandma used to tie my hair back carefully to make sure that not a single hair strand comes into my eyes while dancing. I loved to jump to the music, look at myself and my posture at the mirror and make beautiful shapes with my hands. I used to get sick often and couldn’t always go to the trainings. One day my grandma stopped bringing me to the ballet classes. It hurt.

I have been afraid to tell you that I felt the most intense moments of belonging and loneliness as a wife. Moments of bliss which I hoped would go on for the rest of my life; moments where felt I was watching the movie of my life as the only guest in the theater. Feeling alone in loved ones‘ company is hard.

I have been afraid to tell you that for many years I felt like the embodiment of deceit. As if all my achievements and accomplishments including my PhD and my career had happened to me because I had somehow got lucky. I used to believe that in fact I wasn’t as smart, successful and accomplished as others thought I was. I feared they were going to find it out one day and see the „real“ me. I have learned since then that self-esteem can only be built inside-out.

I have been afraid to tell you that tango gave me some of the most beautiful moments in my life as well as the ugliest ones. It has become the laboratory where I had to experiment with my immense fears of rejection and unworthiness as well the aliveness coming from pure human connection without words.

There will be many more things that I will be afraid to tell you and myself as I keep on living and hopefully growing. Speaking and acting according to my truth, according to how I actually feel and think, have become the only way towards my liberation. It has been hard, it is hard, yet sweetness of freedom blows away all the hardship.